sunt lacrimae rerum et mentem mortalia tangunt.
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Rudolf Koppitz, Self-Portrait, In the Bosom of Nature, 1923
Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. - Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
An argument. An explanation.
So, my last video was to be undemonstrative, quite disturbing. You’ll have to forgive me, kind-person-who-reads-this-blog-but-doesn’t-contact-me, because I’m becoming much, much worse. What’s even worse though, is what’s going through my mind. Yeah, I talked about suicide. And I’ve thought a lot about just letting everything go. I’m just going to start arguing with myself/explaining myself on here. Answering what I’ve exclaimed in the past video.
I’ve pondered more about it, and I’ve concluded that these zombies don’t have any of who they used to be. In the past video, I was pretty sure, but now I am conclusive. They’re lost. The people who they used to be are lost. I don’t know if they’re repressed or trapped or gone like tears in the rain, but there is some other being, some other creature that is causing them to act this viciously and this malevolently. I’m basically saying that they don’t hold any identity of who they were; nothing is illuminated in these zombies.
I’ve also concluded that I am not going to kill myself. I’ll talk about it more in the next video, I guess. Personally, I know that if I kill myself, God will never forgive me. I know that that is an abominable sin, and that would amount to essentially giving up on my situation. I cannot do that. I cannot do that to my family.
There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy.” - Albert Camus
Although I don’t think Camus would agree with me on my choice for not committing suicide, I think that my ideals are fairly close to his. Or maybe I’m just misconstruing what he’s saying; I just want to accept my fate here and run full-fledged at it, and fight back until the end. Whenever that may be. Even if I don’t make it to Heaven or Hell when I become fully zombified, at least I’m not cowering from what will occur. At least I’m not making a sacrament to God.
Lastly, when I become a zombie, and if I’m right that they don’t hold any of the identity of who they used to be, then who cares? It won’t be me anymore in there, so truly, I can’t be too concerned about if I become a zombie. My identity will be gone.
lacrimaererum.conaway@gmail.com
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Alone.
Well, as you’ve noticed by the preceding video blog, I’ve been bitten. This whole circumstance has kind of forced me to reflect on the repercussions of this situation. I’m probably going to talk about that more in the later video, but I figured I might as well discuss some things now that are running through my mind.
1. I’m getting sick, really quickly. I’ve already come to terms with the fact that soon, I’ll be changing. To what, I’m not quite certain. These zombie creatures don’t seem to hold any identity, any sense of what they used to be. None of them seem to remember who they used to be, from what I’ve observed; none of them have acted benevolent or even reacted in a positive way.
I’m worried that I might lose myself.
2. I’m running out of food. I don’t have the energy to try and go back to the Riverside grocery store and get anything to eat. I almost feel like I’m in some form of cataplexy, my muscles are incredibly weak and to be honest, just to type on this keyboard takes a lot more strength than I am used to.
3. I’m posting a video tonight. I’m in a dark place. My view of the world is truncating. I need someone to talk to.
lacrimaererum.conaway@gmail.com
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